Sunday, August 1, 2010

on hunger

I have a really low appetite, and I don't know if that's due to the eating disorder fucking up my metabolism/hunger cues or if it's just what I'm naturally like. And it's sad - I actually have no idea what I'm "naturally like" in regards to hunger because I can't remember the last time when I wasn't weird about it all.

But basically, due to a bunch of different circumstances, I didn't get to eat much today. Then my family and I went to my father's friend's private restaurant-opening party. There was a buffet, which I was actually comfortable with. . . until I realized it was not vegetarian-friendly. Long story short: I spent a while at the restaurant weak with hunger. After about 45 minutes, the owner made some vegetarian hoagies. I was really grateful - I felt like my vegetarianism was such an imposition. I was exhausted and cranky and inpatient and all I wanted to do was go home and eat "my own food" and possibly sleep.

And it made me realize that, oh my god, I was always that miserable when I was sick. A lot of my problems were psychological, but there's also the simple physiological fact that humans need food and they feel terrible without it.

It made me really appreciate recovery.

And those vegetarian hoagies were really good.

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